From the Diary of Any Woman...

Clandestine Lifestyle…


I love my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have a successful and respectable profession, a handsome man who loves me, beautiful children that I adore, love, and provide for the best way that I know how. But I’m somewhat disturbed. There’s something heavy pressing on my mind. What would the men and women of my congregation think of me if they knew my dirty little secret? Not only the pastor and members of the church, but what would the people I work with think if they knew? Would I be fired for violating ethics policy? Would the mothers continue to leave their children with me in the little peoples’ Sunday school class? I seriously doubt it. Lawd, and my neighbors…what would they think if they only knew what had taken place right before that the sweet little lady who baked them a “Welcome to the Neighborhood” cheesecake rung their doorbell and presented them with such a delicious gesture of neighborliness. A better question might be how many more share my little secret? Now that’s some shit to really think about. Because there’s no way I’m alone…uhnt uhh…no way…can’t be!

I think I blame society. Generations of women have been taught from infancy that they should be “ladylike” at all times. I’m guilty. I’ve told my own daughters the exact same thing. “A lady is seen and not heard...” “A lady crosses her legs at the ankle and not at the knee...” “A lady never pursues a man…” the list goes on and on. I mean really? Who made up these rules of “Lady Like Behavior” anyway? Probably a man….

The list is even longer when it comes to relationships and sex. Would you believe I was 38 years old before I ever had an orgasm during intercourse? I’d tested the waters sexually with a few fish before getting married. There was never one time that I moaned because of the way he made me feel. It was always just because it was expected. I'd lie there all pristine and prim softly moaning melodically on cue. I couldn’t have him thinking he wasn’t doing anything in bed. Surely that would crush his ego. So, I made myself content and when he was sound asleep enjoying his ‘nut dreams,’ I’d quietly massage myself into my own orgasmic bliss. That is until one night after ten years of marriage and ten years of just plain ol’ tired of earning a fantasy Emmy, I told my husband what he was doing just didn’t turn me on. I never wanted to hurt my husband’s feelings. Make no mistake, he’s not lacking in the manhood department at all. I just couldn’t get ‘there.’ I’m glad I was finally honest because that opened doors for exploration that I could have never dreamed of. Once he patiently helped me to relax my mind from judging myself by society's rules, to discover my own body and what aroused me, I became a new woman. Now, I could care less about being ladylike in bed. When I see that man, I can’t wait for him to just ‘take me!’…no…what I really want to say is I can’t wait for him to just FUCK me. There…I said it. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Ladies aren’t expected to want to be fucked. We’re expected to just want to make love. Leave the ‘fucking’ to women who don’t respect themselves. Bull! Men have the freedom to enjoy themselves sexually, but women have to suppress how they feel and what they desire from fear of judgment. More Bull! Yes, its true no self respecting lady wants to be thought of as a harlot. Harlots aren't respected by society. Sure, making sweet love has its place…its daring, romantic, sensual, and a true expression of how much you love someone. Making love is beautiful. But sometimes, you just want a man to give it to you rough and raunchy. Pull your hair, smack your ass, slam you with his dick... spray his seed on your breasts, your ass, on your back, or all over your stomach and talk dirty to you all while he’s doing it and NOT have someone think she's nasty. Sometimes, a lady may want to scream, “Fuck me!” as loud as she can while she grips the sheets with her teeth and not be judged about it. Sometimes, a lady may just want to take a dick in her mouth and suck it until its limp and spent between her lips and NOT have anyone say she's less of a lady because she did it...and enjoyed it. Yeah, that’s my dirty little secret. I’m 40 years old, a mother of five, certified sunday school teacher, highly respected on my job, a pure model of what a lady should be in the streets, but a straight up ho between the sheets (for my man) and…I love every minute of it.

Signed,
Ankles Neatly Crossed
(around the back of his neck)

From the Diary of Any Woman…

Heaven Sent…

I sit here in this glider rocker passing my hand over the roundness of my stomach thinking of you. I have never met you. I don’t know what you look like. Tell me, what will your personality be most reflective of? I’m yet to see, but I know I love you. How do I know you may ask? Well, to me, its simple…you see, love is what created you. You are a precious gift that God had escorted to your daddy and me on the wings of an angel because we love each other…better yet because we absolutely adore each other as we will adore and cherish you.

I'm so blessed. Often, I sit and wonder what have I done to deserve this much happiness? I can vividly see two miracles that are active in my life. Meeting your daddy was the first and now, I'm blessed to have you. I can't wait for you to meet him. Your daddy is a good man. I hope you have his eyes. Why you wonder? Because they are beautifully brown with sparkling glints of promise that rival those dancing on the ocean’s surface when kissed by sunlight. I couldn’t have asked for a better man to become your daddy. He’s an answer to my prayers… strong in mind and body just as a man should be. But the best thing about him is he loves your mother unselfishly. Honey, I tell you…we had a rocky road finding each other. He’d given his love to another who purely didn’t know what to do with it just as I had freely given of myself to someone who didn’t deserve it either. But all the pain we suffered was well worth the joy that we found in each other. Most importantly in the joy we’ve found in creating you. You…the symbol of our love personified.

I can’t wait to meet you. He and I talk to you everyday so you’ll know our voice when you hear it for the first time. Watching you grow is going to be so unbelievable. Each time I gaze upon your face, I’ll see your daddy’s love. Each time he looks into your eyes, he’ll see how much I love him. Loving you will be that tie that will bind us all together forever as one happy family. You, our little miracle…our gift from the heavens above…you…the bundle of joy who now lives and breathes all because of…our love…

Humbly signed,

A Grateful Receiver of Miracles

From the Diary of Any Woman...

*Long Deep Sigh*


Today, I am admitting to myself something that I have denied from the moment that you told me what you did. I'm hurting. I didn't want to own that pain. To do so would give credibility to the fact that you hurt me. That's something I believed you'd never do simply because you said you wouldn't. But the truth of the matter is, you did. Because I didn't want to lose you, didn't want to believe you were capable of breaking a promise to me...no not a promise, but several promises, I just didn't allow myself to take it all in fully. In my classic "deny my own feelings to focus on yours," I just pushed my pain away to just focus on yours and your healing process. This I did because I told myself that as long as you are ok...then we are ok, because I can deal with whatever as long as I have you. I guess that's my real fear. I don't want to lose you. I want to be the way we were. I was happy, but I guess you weren't since you chose to seek the intimate company of another. Now, you'll tell me that it's not like that. You didn't do any of this because of something that I did or did not do. Or because you were unhappy with me. You don't know why you did it. Well, I think that is a serious question to explore, because if you don't know why you did it this time, how can you prevent there ever being a next time?

I'm so empty right now because I feel the distance between you and me. I know I have to be patient...I need to just give you the time that you need. I don't know why that is hard for me. I guess I just love you so. I want to be by your side. I want you to show me that you're sorry by being committed to putting us back on track. I need to feel your love right now more than ever. But you can't seem to bring yourself to give it to me. I can't handle the pulling away. I need you closer. To me, pulling away from me right now just means you wanted to be away from me all along. Is that it? I never thought I could let you go...Is that what you want me to do? Maybe that's what I need to do...just clip the strings that bind our hearts and set you free...

Heavy Heartedly Signed,
A New Watcher of the Wind....

From the Diary of Any Woman...

January 4, 2006


My Cup Runneth Over…


For the first time in my life, I have felt the warmth of those words applied to my life outside of a biblical sense. I felt it first hand in the comfort of your arms. When you touched me last night and whispered in my ear, “Baby, come here…” that’s when it all began. Every kiss, every sweet whisper, each loving caress that followed continued to pour inside of me giving me delicious shivers and tingling sensations that consumed me until I could take no more. At the moment you prepared to enter me, I had already reached the point of no return. The brim of my cup couldn’t stand one more drop, but, oh, there was so much more for me drink. And greedily, I spread my thighs to receive what I surely had no room to accommodate. Yet, generously you poured as you parted my heated waters with the tip of your love making the perfect ripples of displacement that forced me to overflow around you spilling the secrets of my hidden well in a thunderously spasmsing fury. In that moment, I felt so much…my heart was so full until all I could do was cry. You thought you’d hurt me…or I was sad and still holding on to some unpleasant, forgotten memory...that something was surely wrong when it was just the exact opposite. My universe had balance….the stars were aligned in perfect order and I lie beaming at the center of it all. I was just so in love with you that there were no words to express it, so my tears took over to tell the story showing you just how you send me to another level through a simple act we share…love…

Blissfully Signed,
Simply Full…

From The Diary of Any Woman...

January 3, 2006


Because You Love Me...



When I was a little girl I played house with my dolls in a perfect world. The daddy loved the mommy and they had two children, a boy and a girl, who were perfect children and did no wrong. They lived in a beautiful doll house that was immaculately furnished and had no flaws. I even dreamed of their perfect jobs which generated more than enough income to sustain their way of living and vacationing in my dreams. As I grew older, I read all the teen-age love stories, where boy meets girl...girl meets boy...he gives her his letterman jacket, she wears his ring. They go on dates where he treats her like a queen. Everything is perfect in their world. These dreams shaped my view on dating and relationships and I, deep down inside, thought that was the way life should be between a man and a woman...perfect. That is until I starting dating of my own and quickly found out that life and relationships were far from perfect. It can be good...comfortable even...but far from perfect. Do I regret having these girlish fantasies? No, I'm glad I had them...because they prepared me for you. Because, you have been the closest thing to perfection that has entered my life. I love the me that I am because I have you to love. I love the way that you love me with all of your heart. I love the way we compliment each other in every way. Are we perfect? No, however, I think, we're pretty damn close...



Signed,

Imperfectly Perfect at Loving You...

From the Diary of Any Woman...

January 1, 2006


The Tears That I Cry...

I know you aren't perfect. I never said that you were. We all make mistakes. It's apart of life. Hey, I've made them too. It's how we handle the mistakes...the lesson learned that strengthens us. This is the first rough area we've ever known. Prior to this, we've known nothing but flawless days. That's what I love about us. We love each other so much that we can make our own sunshine and in the rain, we dance. Through the thundering rage of our disappointment, we can still find the electrical currents of passion for each other to get us through. Our tears are shadowed by the rain...


The tears that I cry are for me, not you.
They help me to deal with the things that you do.
When you love me but yet, you just can’t help yourself.
I don’t blame you for being you
If I’m honest with myself, what good would that do?
Do I hate you? No, I love you with no end.
You still hold the key to my heart as no other man has.
Do I wish you’d protect it better? Yes, I really do.
But can I make you? No, that’s all up to you.
These tears that I cry make room for so much more.
They help me to receive all that is in store.
If we move on and let our true love shine
And not let one mistake force us to leave it all behind.
The tears that I cry are for me, not you.
But I can’t help but hope that you’ll see
How good we are together and still can be
If that’s something that we both want,
It has to be us two, not three.
I do need you to love and cherish only me.
The tears that I cry are for me, not you.
But, Baby? Guess what? Here’s the good news.
Because I’ve cried them
I can once again
dare to love you…

Signed,
Dancing in the Rain

From the Diary of Any Woman...

December 18, 2005

Damn, Boy!


Yeah, you’ve got me in a daze right now and you know exactly why. How do you put a spell on me with every stroke of your manhood? See that right there keeps my self-assured, don’t need anybody to fight my battles for me, make my own money and spend it as I please, don’t you ever try that with me again, beautiful, smart, and sexy self in a ball of utter submission to you each…and…EVERY time I hear you say,
“Baby?....gimmie some...” Lord have mercy…(shaking my head)…that shyt right there makes me weak every time!

I can’t figure it out. I mean granted, I was never the promiscuous type, but I did have a couple of sexual partners before you and I met. But, Baby no one and I mean not one of those men could make my knees buckle at the mere memory of their delivery like you. Sweetheart? You can tell me the truth…is that magic you have between your legs? Or is it a handle from one of Heaven’s gates, because I swear I can see paradise in each ray of afterglow I experience while you’re sleeping.

Yeah, I have to admit it…you’ve got me sprung like no other. What can I do for you? Are you hungry, Baby? Here, let me get that for you. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it, because I know later on tonight, you’re gonna take care of me too, right? Mmmhmmm, I knew it. And Baby Boy, (LORD, have mercy!) I can’t wait!

Signed,
Dyckmatized…and Glowin’

From the Diary of Any Woman...

December 17, 2005

The Way We Love Made the Difference...

Once again we’ve argued. We never would argue. It was never a part of who we are, but this time it feels different. Somehow, we seem stronger than we were before the argument began. Our love is strong, real, and meant to be. I feel it every time I’m with you. Last night, I was confused and so sure my suspicions were correct. I’ve never doubted you. I hate that sometimes now, doubt creeps within. But I know where it stems from. You see, I thought I was doing it all right. I thought I loved you just the way you wanted to be loved. That’s exactly what you did for me. I thought we had a reciprocal love between us including the way that we loved each other. Then, one day, when I was least expecting it, I found out you weren’t as happy as I thought you were. You felt crowded. You had desires to seek the company of someone else. When we were together, secretly, you just wanted space…needed space…required so much more space…away from me. That realization shook the foundation upon which I’d built what I call ‘us’. So now, I am doubtful…but it’s not in you…I guess when it all boils down to it…I doubt me.

I can’t help but wonder if now I call too much or do I want too much of your time? True, you did majority of the calling before we 'fell in love.' I took my cues from you. I really didn't think I called you any more than you called me. But I guess I must. I also wonder if when you’re talking to me, you’d really rather be talking to someone else. If the time you spend with me is really what you want to do or are you doing it just so I won’t feel you don’t want me. So my uncertainty forces me to ask questions. Only because I want to do it right, not because I don’t believe you. But my questions highly irritate you…make you think I’ve lost faith in you when nothing could be further from the truth.

But we’re so good together. We even fight differently than most couples do. Through anger and all those high-strung emotions, we can still laugh at each other to break the fury. And when it’s over, we can still find comfort in each other’s arms. The heat of the moment doesn’t rob us of our passion for each other and that is only because even though the foundation may have been shaken, it was never broken. You and I have a solid base upon which our love was established. Your needs are important to me just as my needs are important to you…we’re going to be ok. For that matter, we are ok…we’re more than ok…we’re damn good.

Signed,
Happily standing on the rock…