From the Diary of Any Woman...
*Long Deep Sigh*
Today, I am admitting to myself something that I have denied from the moment that you told me what you did. I'm hurting. I didn't want to own that pain. To do so would give credibility to the fact that you hurt me. That's something I believed you'd never do simply because you said you wouldn't. But the truth of the matter is, you did. Because I didn't want to lose you, didn't want to believe you were capable of breaking a promise to me...no not a promise, but several promises, I just didn't allow myself to take it all in fully. In my classic "deny my own feelings to focus on yours," I just pushed my pain away to just focus on yours and your healing process. This I did because I told myself that as long as you are ok...then we are ok, because I can deal with whatever as long as I have you. I guess that's my real fear. I don't want to lose you. I want to be the way we were. I was happy, but I guess you weren't since you chose to seek the intimate company of another. Now, you'll tell me that it's not like that. You didn't do any of this because of something that I did or did not do. Or because you were unhappy with me. You don't know why you did it. Well, I think that is a serious question to explore, because if you don't know why you did it this time, how can you prevent there ever being a next time?
I'm so empty right now because I feel the distance between you and me. I know I have to be patient...I need to just give you the time that you need. I don't know why that is hard for me. I guess I just love you so. I want to be by your side. I want you to show me that you're sorry by being committed to putting us back on track. I need to feel your love right now more than ever. But you can't seem to bring yourself to give it to me. I can't handle the pulling away. I need you closer. To me, pulling away from me right now just means you wanted to be away from me all along. Is that it? I never thought I could let you go...Is that what you want me to do? Maybe that's what I need to do...just clip the strings that bind our hearts and set you free...
Heavy Heartedly Signed,
A New Watcher of the Wind....
Today, I am admitting to myself something that I have denied from the moment that you told me what you did. I'm hurting. I didn't want to own that pain. To do so would give credibility to the fact that you hurt me. That's something I believed you'd never do simply because you said you wouldn't. But the truth of the matter is, you did. Because I didn't want to lose you, didn't want to believe you were capable of breaking a promise to me...no not a promise, but several promises, I just didn't allow myself to take it all in fully. In my classic "deny my own feelings to focus on yours," I just pushed my pain away to just focus on yours and your healing process. This I did because I told myself that as long as you are ok...then we are ok, because I can deal with whatever as long as I have you. I guess that's my real fear. I don't want to lose you. I want to be the way we were. I was happy, but I guess you weren't since you chose to seek the intimate company of another. Now, you'll tell me that it's not like that. You didn't do any of this because of something that I did or did not do. Or because you were unhappy with me. You don't know why you did it. Well, I think that is a serious question to explore, because if you don't know why you did it this time, how can you prevent there ever being a next time?
I'm so empty right now because I feel the distance between you and me. I know I have to be patient...I need to just give you the time that you need. I don't know why that is hard for me. I guess I just love you so. I want to be by your side. I want you to show me that you're sorry by being committed to putting us back on track. I need to feel your love right now more than ever. But you can't seem to bring yourself to give it to me. I can't handle the pulling away. I need you closer. To me, pulling away from me right now just means you wanted to be away from me all along. Is that it? I never thought I could let you go...Is that what you want me to do? Maybe that's what I need to do...just clip the strings that bind our hearts and set you free...
Heavy Heartedly Signed,
A New Watcher of the Wind....
posted by MsSkee at 4:12 AM
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