From the Diary of Any Woman...

December 18, 2005

Damn, Boy!


Yeah, you’ve got me in a daze right now and you know exactly why. How do you put a spell on me with every stroke of your manhood? See that right there keeps my self-assured, don’t need anybody to fight my battles for me, make my own money and spend it as I please, don’t you ever try that with me again, beautiful, smart, and sexy self in a ball of utter submission to you each…and…EVERY time I hear you say,
“Baby?....gimmie some...” Lord have mercy…(shaking my head)…that shyt right there makes me weak every time!

I can’t figure it out. I mean granted, I was never the promiscuous type, but I did have a couple of sexual partners before you and I met. But, Baby no one and I mean not one of those men could make my knees buckle at the mere memory of their delivery like you. Sweetheart? You can tell me the truth…is that magic you have between your legs? Or is it a handle from one of Heaven’s gates, because I swear I can see paradise in each ray of afterglow I experience while you’re sleeping.

Yeah, I have to admit it…you’ve got me sprung like no other. What can I do for you? Are you hungry, Baby? Here, let me get that for you. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it, because I know later on tonight, you’re gonna take care of me too, right? Mmmhmmm, I knew it. And Baby Boy, (LORD, have mercy!) I can’t wait!

Signed,
Dyckmatized…and Glowin’

From the Diary of Any Woman...

December 17, 2005

The Way We Love Made the Difference...

Once again we’ve argued. We never would argue. It was never a part of who we are, but this time it feels different. Somehow, we seem stronger than we were before the argument began. Our love is strong, real, and meant to be. I feel it every time I’m with you. Last night, I was confused and so sure my suspicions were correct. I’ve never doubted you. I hate that sometimes now, doubt creeps within. But I know where it stems from. You see, I thought I was doing it all right. I thought I loved you just the way you wanted to be loved. That’s exactly what you did for me. I thought we had a reciprocal love between us including the way that we loved each other. Then, one day, when I was least expecting it, I found out you weren’t as happy as I thought you were. You felt crowded. You had desires to seek the company of someone else. When we were together, secretly, you just wanted space…needed space…required so much more space…away from me. That realization shook the foundation upon which I’d built what I call ‘us’. So now, I am doubtful…but it’s not in you…I guess when it all boils down to it…I doubt me.

I can’t help but wonder if now I call too much or do I want too much of your time? True, you did majority of the calling before we 'fell in love.' I took my cues from you. I really didn't think I called you any more than you called me. But I guess I must. I also wonder if when you’re talking to me, you’d really rather be talking to someone else. If the time you spend with me is really what you want to do or are you doing it just so I won’t feel you don’t want me. So my uncertainty forces me to ask questions. Only because I want to do it right, not because I don’t believe you. But my questions highly irritate you…make you think I’ve lost faith in you when nothing could be further from the truth.

But we’re so good together. We even fight differently than most couples do. Through anger and all those high-strung emotions, we can still laugh at each other to break the fury. And when it’s over, we can still find comfort in each other’s arms. The heat of the moment doesn’t rob us of our passion for each other and that is only because even though the foundation may have been shaken, it was never broken. You and I have a solid base upon which our love was established. Your needs are important to me just as my needs are important to you…we’re going to be ok. For that matter, we are ok…we’re more than ok…we’re damn good.

Signed,
Happily standing on the rock…

From the Diary of Any Woman...

December 16, 2005 Entry One

The Words I Could Never Speak...

Such seems to be the case for me in our relationship. It's been that way from the beginning...always something I was afraid to tell you...back then, it was something so simple as, "I love you." But then, I learned you loved me too and I was strengthened to voice my own opinion....since it matched yours. We were good together...and I mean good! Your ideas meshed with mine...your imagination carried me places I didn't know existed and the love I felt from you far surpassed any I'd ever felt in my entire life. I wanted you to want me and you wanted me to want you...and I did...so badly. You quickly became my everything...but you weren't mine to keep. I'd have to share you. It's just your flirtatious nature to play with them...make them curious about you, because they see how happy we are...but are you really? Do you love this life of togetherness that I adore. Or do you long for the days of old when your heart was free... it belonged to no one...least of all to me.

You say I have nothing to worry about. That everyone else knows who you love...now in all my security I seem insecure to you...day by day I lose my luster and make you question what attracted you to me in the first place?

I guess all I really want you to know is, I love you. I want that to mean something to you, but honestly, I can't force it to. I feel like I'm holding on to someone and to something that I should just set free. But letting go of you is so damn hard. It's as if I'd be committing suicide on one side. You are my better half. So surely it would be the best part of me that would die. So here I sit today...still holding on...when deep in my heart I know you want me to let you go....you just can't find the words to tell me because you don't want to hurt me...when in the meantime...with all that I feel from the unspoken words between us...today, I still can't find the strength to do what must be done...maybe.. tomorrow...

Signed sorrowfully,
One who loves you...eternally